Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
He who laughs last didn't get it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
They rented out my room.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
He who laughs last didn't get it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
They rented out my room.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein
If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor
